People can read all about crazy and creative hot sauce names in the Thursday morning edition of the old Gazette. Took me hours of research to compile a cast that includes “Dead Heat,” “Goddess of Fire” and “Spontaneous Combustion.”
Funnier and more outrageous names stayed in my notebook. This is a family newspaper, after all, so you’ll never see Charlie Brown cuss out Lucy on the comics page. And photos of women — guys too — in wet T-shirts will only show up during coverage of Fountain Day at the University at Albany.
Still, I hated to waste all these descriptive monikers. Because the Internet version of the paper can tolerate some racy language, here they are.
I was amazed at all the references to personal posteriors on hot sauce labels. Connoisseurs say the sauce is hot going down the hatch, but it’s also pretty heated when it escapes the body — usually from a seated position. There are no names like “Tongue Tacks,” “Tonsil Terminator” or even “Larynx Liquidator.” They are all loaded for the back end.
“Rectal Rocket Fuel,” “Sir Fartalot’s Hot Sauce,” “Anal Angst” and “Screaming Sphincter” paint vivid pictures of people laughing all the way to the bathroom. But I noticed bunches of hot sauces use the word “ass” in their advertising.
There’s “Ass Gas,” “Whoop Ass,” “Hog’s Ass,” “Smart Ass,” “Dumb Ass,” “Ass Blaster,” “Candy Ass” and “Kiss Your Ass Goodbye.” Plus “Ass in Hell,” “Ass in Space” and “Weapons of Ass Destruction.” And “Volcanic Ass,” “Big Daddy’s Ass Burn” and “Kick Yo Ass.”
My favorite gimmick “ass” sauce was “Ass Reaper,” which features a skull dressed in a short black hood and cloak that covers the label and top half of the bottle. In just the name group, I’m not sure anyone can top “Assplosion” for a really descriptive hot sauce experience. Shock, awe and what a mess!
Some people say ingesting hot sauce is supposed to be the fun part. Getting rid of it is the price you pay for the warm, fuzzy feeling — and because the latter experience is such a riot, people celebrate it by inventing names that prepare people for blast-off.
I don’t need it, coming or going — for chili, hamburgers, scrambled eggs and home fries, I will stick to ketchup.
