I was feeling stressed out about going home for Thanksgiving.
I’d learned that the family of the friend who died in an accident in October was planning a memorial service for the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and of course I wanted to go.
But I didn’t want to drive to Maine to spend the holiday with my family, and then rush back to the Capital Region to go to the service, even if I took a vacation day on Friday. The more I thought about it, the more Thanksgiving began to seem like a fatiguing social obligation, a wearying holiday marathon that would distract me from more crucial matters.
And then it occurred to me: I could just not go.
Once this idea took hold, I became intrigued by the possibilities.
I like my family, and I like spending Thanksgiving with them. One of the drawbacks to living in Birmingham, Ala., was that I never went home for Thanksgiving, preferring to save my vacation time and money for a longer trip at Christmas.
But I’ve also had some very nice Thanksgivings with other people, and I don’t view it as a holiday where going home is absolutely essential. I’ll even go a step further and suggest that it’s actually kind of interesting to partake in other people’s holiday traditions. For instance, I’ll never forget the all-vegetarian Thanksgiving I spent with a group of college classmates on a farm in Kentucky. Of course, my family didn’t think this sounded anything like Thanksgiving. “No turkey?” they said. “What kind of Thanksgiving is that?”
Making a decision
In any case, I could see the appeal of spending Thanksgiving with friends in the area, and taking some time for myself. Instead of driving and doing family stuff, I would be able to read and write and work on little projects, and focus on the memorial service. I wasn’t sure why the memorial service loomed so large in my mind, why it seemed to require such attention and mental preparation, but I knew, instinctively, that it did.
Still, I shied away from telling my parents that I didn’t want to go home for Thanksgiving, because it seemed like the sort of thing that would make them sad. It was weird. Whenever I thought about staying in Albany for Thanksgiving, I felt pretty good. But when I thought about my parents, I felt like a bad daughter. I finally decided to quit procrastinating and make a decision. “I guess I’ll stay here,” I told my parents, who expressed mild disappointment that I wouldn’t be there, but seemed to accept my explanation. Even so, I wondered whether I was being selfish.
Well, maybe I was.
But is that so wrong?
Is it wrong to try to carve out some space for yourself at the most hectic and family-oriented time of the year? Is it wrong to temporarily remove yourself from the mainstream, and chart your own holiday course?
My sense is that it’s not. And I know I’m not alone. A friend reports that she doesn’t plan to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with her family, either. Instead, she’s taking a different, more self-oriented approach during the holidays — delivering meals to the needy, taking a retreat at a yoga and wellness center. She’s had a stressful year, and appears to be making decisions based on what will be best for her, not everyone else in her life. That’s what I’m trying to do, too.
There must be many others who, for whatever reason, are opting out of their traditional Thanksgiving. Perhaps they’re seizing the opportunity to mentally recharge, rather than exhaust themselves. Or maybe they can’t afford to travel. All I know is, sometimes you need to take a break, especially if you live in a society that doesn’t place much value on introspection and reflection.
Ongoing processes
I became more convinced of the rightness of my decision after the sister of the friend who recently died suggested I come up with a list of concerts I had attended with my friend, and bands he had liked, for the memorial service. Perhaps this information could be incorporated into a display about his interests and passions, she said.
I always enjoy making a list, and I agreed to work on it. At first, I had trouble remembering all of the concerts we saw together. But they’ve been coming to me over the past few weeks. Like last weekend, when I attended the Grant-Lee Phillips show at The Linda, WAMC’s performing arts studio. As I took my seat, I suddenly remembered that my friend and I had seen the cello-rock band Rasputina there in 2006. Rasputina — I’d totally forgotten about them. But they definitely merited a spot on the list.
It isn’t a huge task, creating this list. But it’s a strangely emotional one, and it’s nice to know I’ll have time to think about it, and work on it, because I don’t want to give it short shrift. Which is how I feel about the grieving process, or whatever it is that I’ve been going through, and the healing process for my broken wrist, which is ongoing and sometimes seems endless. I’m not a big fan of processing, but it’s one of those things that must be done, and right now I need to focus on it.
So I guess I’ll stay here for Thanksgiving. I don’t know exactly why, but it feels like the right thing to do.
Foss Forward makes a weekly appearance in print, in The Gazette’s Saturday Lifestyles section. You can email Sara at sfoss@dailygazette.net.
