I’ve often been accused of engaging in exaggeration and hyperbole, but I don’t see how anyone can disagree with me when I say that Plaxico Burress is the world’s dumbest human.
His story, of course, is an old one: the superstar-millionaire athlete who gets into trouble while hanging out at a nightclub in the wee hours of the morning. Not being a superstar-millionaire athlete myself, it’s difficult for me to understand why guys like Burress never seem to learn some fairly obvious lessons. For instance: superstar-millionaire athletes, handguns and nightclubs — particularly nightclubs where people flaunt $40,000 gold chain necklaces and the like — are a recipe for disaster. Or a recipe for dumbness.
The more I learn, the dumber this situation seems. Even the doctor who treated Burress is dumb. According to reports, Dr. Josyann Abisaab went to the hospital in the middle of the night to treat Burress, but failed to alert police about the shooting, and has since been suspended. Maybe it all just goes to show that you can never underestimate the steps reasonable-seeming people are willing to take to cover up the dumb actions of rich and famous people. But, really, how dumb can you get? This person completed medical school? I mean, I hear that’s hard.
Of course, because nobody was killed or seriously injured, and the big question is whether Burress’ career with the Giants is over, it’s easy to make fun of him — “Giant Jerk Shoots Himself” the New York Post proclaimed — and I’ve been doing it for days.
“What do you think?” I said to friends last night. “Is Plaxico Burress the world’s dumbest human?”
“Quite possibly,” one friend said, while the other friend said she has a hard time thinking ill of Plaxico Burress because “he has such a nice face.” (That’s really what she said, and no, I don’t have any idea what it means, but it sounded pretty dumb to me.)
Frankly, it’s difficult to take a superstar-millionaire athlete who lied and claimed he was shot at Applebee’s very seriously. Maybe there are some superstar-millionaire athletes who hang out at Applebee’s, I don’t know. But I find it a lot easier to believe Plaxico Burress was shot at a Manhattan nightclub called the Latin Quarter, don’t you?
The issue of athletes and guns is a serious issue, and it’s gotten some serious attention. David Fleming, a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine, took reader questions on the Plaxico Burress saga earlier this week. He suggests that many athletes carry guns because they feel unsafe, that their lives are lived in such a fishbowl that it’s necessary to install home-security systems and hire bodyguards and take all sorts of safeguards that would never occur to people who are not superstar-millionaire athletes. In response to the question, “Pretty much everyone has been talking about this problem with Plax. My question is, if he needed a gun to go there, why did he still go?” from Kevin in Geneseo, Fleming wrote: “Bill Parcells’ rule was: don’t go where you’re not known or not wanted. Tony Dungy tells his players every year that crime stats show 95% of all the off-the-field problems players face occur after midnight. On the flip side of this, it’s easy to judge Plax for taking a gun with him, but the truth is, players feel targeted and scared. The bigger question is, why are players living in so much fear?” (You can read the whole transcript here.) He also suggests that it’s a bit unreasonable, and unrealistic, to expect young athletes to live like monks.
I’ve actually developed a grudging admiration for the Giants since they tore out my heart and ripped it to shreds in last year’s Super Bowl. I thought that game might be a fluke, but they’re actually a very, very good football team, and not just because of the talent they have on the field. They’ve shown a willingness to cut ties with disruptive players like the toxic Jeremy Shockey, and the team has gradually taken on the low-key and workmanlike personality of its quarterback, Eli Manning, who, try as I might, I cannot hate and actually — I cannot believe I’m admitting this — sort of like. In some ways, the Burress shooting is an opportunity for the Giants, a chance for the team to rid itself of a gifted by tiresome player. Who knows, maybe it will make them even better than they already are.
I’d also like to note that one of my favorite basketball players, Celtics point guard Rajon Rondo, recorded his first triple double last night against the Indiana Pacers. He scored 16 points, grabbed 13 rebounds and notched 17 assists. And he’s only 6’1”. And he can roller skate. Check out this Boston Globe article for more information.
Got a comment? Add one below or e-mail me at sfosst@dailygazette.net.
