I’m resenting my mail more and more these days.

My image of myself, perhaps delusional, is of a guy aware that he’s not thirtysomething anymore but reasonably comfortable in his own skin and not looking for daily reminders of his approaching dotage.

Yet, at least once a week, the mail arrives with a new affront.

The latest was a fat envelope from The Scooter Store, whose commercials you see on TV all the time. They manufacture and market what they call a scooter but what the rest of the world would view as a souped-up wheelchair.

On the outside of the envelope was an invitation to take a “mobility” test. The idea, I gather, is if you fail your mobility test you probably are a candidate for one of their “scooters.”

What I want to know is how I got on their mailing list. I’m thinking it has something to do with membership in the AARP.

I think that’s also why I sometimes get advertisements that ask, “Have you made your final arrangements yet?”

The other day the mailbox yielded a coupon for a free sample of Touch of Gray, a men’s hair color product that allows you to dye some of your hair, but not all of it.

These offers are not limited to my mailbox. They’re also in my e-mail which is cluttered with all kinds of “male enhancement” advertisements. I don’t want to be enhanced, thank you very much.

It’s enough to make you paranoid.

At a Chinese restaurant recently, I cracked open my fortune cookie and read this message: “You are about to cross the great water.”

Damn that AARP.

Irv Dean is The Daily Gazette’s city editor.