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‘Lone Ranger,’ ‘Planes’ among worst movies of 2013

Friday, December 27, 2013
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“The Lone Ranger” starred Johnny Depp, left, as Tonto and Armie Hammer as the title character.
“The Lone Ranger” starred Johnny Depp, left, as Tonto and Armie Hammer as the title character.

Unlucky 2013? Some weekends, it seemed that way at the movies.

Big bad movies, cheap bad movies, ill-advisedly awful and ignominious efforts.

Johnny Depp outstayed his welcome, Adam Sandler sucker punched his enabling fans one last time, Will Smith made a movie so bad people were attaching Scientology recruitment to his motives and Disney made a Pixar spinoff that was the worst thing ever to wear Mouse ears.

And because someday college kids will create drinking games to get them through “R.I.P.D.” with the once-and-always “dude,” Jeff Bridges, and there’s only enough space for two goshawful horror movies on any year’s list, let’s remember the unmemorable — the very worst in movies, 2013.

-- “The Lone Ranger”: Twice, big money has been thrown at this “masked man” Western on the big screen, and both films were disasters for the ages. A few clever bits — the Ranger galloping through a moving train, Tonto and the Ranger buried in sand and slinging insults — lift your hopes. The rest? Shockingly violent, shockingly stupid. Everybody involved should have seen this coming.

-- “Creature”: Show this one to your kid, the one whining about becoming an actress. “Someday, honey, you could end up stripping for a no-talent hack who has a villain named ‘Lockjaw’ butcher your character and your career.”

-- “Grownups 2”: A make-work farce for Adam Sandler’s cronies, from David Spade to Dan Patrick, this summer party comedy climaxes with a set by the J. Geils Band. Without J. Geils. He was smart enough to skip this disaster.

-- “After Earth”: A sci-fi flop that Will Smith manufactured for his charisma-starved kid.

-- “Planes”: Disney’s worst animated film ever was shipped to theaters on John Lasseter’s watch, Pixar cultists. Chew on that.

-- “Tyler Perry’s A Madea Christmas”: Fox News has it right. There is a war on Christmas. Madea says so. But she’s that war’s generalissimo.

-- “Movie 43” / “InAPPpropriate Comedy”: These assembled cameo sketch comedies make one wonder what jokes they threw out as “not funny enough.”

-- “The Last Exorcism 2”: Deadly dull, an unscary sequel to the latest “The Devil is REAL” franchise. Instantly forgettable. And forgotten.

-- “A Good Day to Die Hard”: The ignominious end of a franchise, a finale even worse than the one with Kevin Smith in it. And that’s saying something.

-- “Free Birds”: Even the best animated films weren’t classics in 2013, but this turkey of a Thanksgiving time-travel farce was a fiasco from the get go.

-- “The Heat”: Take the couple of laughs — they were in the trailers — from “Identity Thief” and “The Heat” and you’d have a Melissa McCarthy comedy with . . . four laughs.

 
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