Theirs is a love story that began more than 60 years ago.

“She was the girl who lived around the corner from me,” recalled Robert Gauvreau of Clifton Park, now 79.

“She was 15 and a freshmen at Watervliet High School. I was 18 and a senior. Four years later, when I got out of the Navy, I saw her again, and I asked my friend, ‘Who’s that pretty girl around the corner?’ He said, ‘That’s Helen.’  ”

Gauvreau asked her out, and they were married a year later. She was the only girl he ever went out with. They have been married for 56 years.

Today, Gauvreau spends much of his day and night taking care of Helen, 76, who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease about two years ago.

Each morning, he helps her wash, gets her dressed and fixes her breakfast. The routine takes him about two hours.

“I’ll take care of Helen as long as I can,” said Gauvreau, who sometimes neglects his own health. He has had prostate and colon cancer himself. “Helen is a sweet person. I’ve never known her to tell a lie in her whole life, or heard anybody say a bad word about her. She’s just a wonderful woman, let alone being the prettiest girl in her high school class.”

Survival strategies

According to the National Family Caregivers Association, there are more than 54 million Americans who have provided care for elderly, disabled or chronically ill family members or friends during the past year. About 44 percent of caregivers are men.

During the 12th annual Conference for Caregivers from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. on Monday, Nov. 24, at the Desmond Hotel and Conference Center in Colonie, Gauvreau will take part in a panel discussion titled, “Meeting the Challenges of Caregiving: The Male Perspective.”

Diane Van Dusen, social worker and manager of Clinical Dementia Services at Eddy Alzheimer’s Services, will also offer practical tips and survival strategies for men who are caring for a loved one with dementia.

“I’m not always as good with her as I’d like to be,” Gauvreau admitted. “She has always been so supportive of me. She stayed home and raised our four children while it took me 10 years to get my bachelor’s and master’s degrees. She never complained. I try to take care of her, because I know she would take care of me.”

Most men are not as prepared to be caregivers as women, said Van Dusen.

“I think culturally women are raised to take care of the kids and the house,” she explained. “I don’t think that men are prepared in the same way that women are.”

Van Dusen, who runs a support group for male caregivers, said most of the men she talks with view Alzheimer’s as a problem they need to fix.

“They see fixing things as part of their job, and there is no solution to this problem,” she said.

Most men also need to learn how to cook, clean and do laundry.

“I think because they don’t usually have the support network that women have, they are less likely to talk about feeling depressed or seeking help,” said Van Dusen. “They have been taught to stay strong, don’t cry and fix the problem. So I think their grief is stronger.”

Looking back, Gauvreau said he saw signs of the disease when Helen started becoming forgetful about five years ago.

“She couldn’t zip her jacket and she would get easily confused,” he recalled. “She had problems with her handwriting, and she couldn’t write out checks anymore.”

Finally two years ago, Helen Gauvreau was diagnosed as having Alzheimer’s disease.

“Our children were in denial at first, but now they are very concerned and try to help,” said Gauvreau. “This morning, one of our daughters left a bowl of chili, corn bread and cookies at our back door.”

The couple also attend the Eddy caregivers’ group twice a month.

“I’ve learned what works and what doesn’t work,” said Gauvreau. “I know raising my voice doesn’t work. I know saying, ‘Helen, what were you thinking when you did that?’ doesn’t work. You have to have a lot of patience and tolerance and be willing to forgive 100 percent. It’s not always easy.”

Besides taking care of his wife, Gauvreau cooks, cleans and shops.

Gauvreau can leave Helen for a few hours, and she will remain seated in the couple’s den watching television.

A runner for the past 25 years, Gauvreau runs three miles daily after he gets Helen ready for the day. It takes him about 30 minutes. He also attends town board meetings some evenings.

“Some of the things that happen are humorous,” he recalled.

One time, Gauvreau was out running and Helen told a person who called for her husband that he was out running and would be back in three hours.

“What’s he doing, running a marathon? the caller asked.

“Yes,” said Helen. “Every day.”

Daily struggle

Gauvreau said he tries to not ask for help.

“I think most caregivers are on a guilt trip,” he said. “We always feel we are not doing enough. And my children are all working, and they have their own children to care for. They help when they can.”

One day a week, he takes Helen to Bright Horizons, a social center for Alzheimer’s patients in Colonie, for a few hours.

He also frequently chastises himself for not being nicer to Helen.

“l’ll ask myself, ‘Why did I raise my voice, at Helen?’ Every night before I go to sleep, I pray that I will be nicer to Helen.”

Since his retirement from Norton Co. 19 years ago, Gauvreau and Helen have been practically inseparable.

“I’ve been raking leaves for three weeks now, and Helen used to help me,” he recalled. “She used to help me with everything. I miss that.”

Gauvreau said Helen knows something is wrong with her and she is very scared.

“But she knows I love her, and that I’m here for her,” he said. “I talk about it with her every night.”

Sense of pride

Gretchen Moore-Simmons, professional development specialist for the Alzheimer’s Association, said taking care of their wives is a huge challenge for many men.

“We tell people all the time to be a good caregiver, you have to take care of yourself first, and I think it’s often harder for men to reach out and ask for help,” she said.

Once they learn how, most men are wonderful caregivers, added Van Dusen.

“Several men have told me that caregiving makes them feel closer to their spouse,” she said. “I also think there is some spiritual growth that comes from providing care. They are keeping their vows and they feel good about that. I think they feel a sense of pride.”